Sitting & Breathing: Learning to Love Meditation
For me, sitting and breathing is like drinking water. There was a time in my life when I really disliked water. I mean really disliked it. I was a Diet Coke girl.
I’m not sure why, but at some point, I decided to start drinking more water. My decision likely had something to do with health or having better skin. I really had to force myself to do this. I didn’t enjoy it. It didn’t taste good. I really wanted my Diet Coke. However, after some time I not only enjoyed water, I craved it. I even remember having the thought, “I can’t believe I hated water so much.” My water game has pretty much been on point since then.
Fast forward some years and I started doing yoga. Again, for physical health reasons. I had no idea yoga could do any more for me than help keep me in shape. I started to see changes, however minor and possibly invisible to those around me, in myself. I started to care not just about my physical health but my emotional and spiritual health as well.
I not only knew I should, but wanted to incorporate more breathwork and meditation into my physical yoga practice. I tried. I didn’t like it. Sitting still. Eyes closed. In a silent room. Listening to myself breathe. It was torture. So, I quickly gave up those two practices.
In 2018, I began yoga teacher training. It took place Friday-Sunday for a 9 month period. During one of our very first classes, our teacher told us each Sunday morning we were to walk in silently without speaking to anyone, put our stuff away and sit down and meditate. A bell would sound when meditation time was over. I felt slightly panicked—she wanted me to sit in a room full of strangers and close my eyes and meditate for an undetermined amount of time? It crossed my mind to quit. That is how much I couldn’t stand sitting still. In silence. And I had to do it in a room full of strangers. With my eyes closed. Everyone’s eyes were closed so why should that matter? Closing your eyes when others are around is vulnerable and scary. At least for me.
I had two options: 1. I could quit. 2. I could suck it up and do it.
I chose option 2. The first couple of times were extremely uncomfortable---When will this be over? Am I doing it right? Is anyone watching me? My foot hurts. My hips hurt. I can’t do this. I hate this. I want this to be over. When will this be over?! And on and on and on. Until the bell rang.
A few weeks in---I might be enjoying this. My foot hurts, my hips hurt. Ok. It’ll be over soon. Breathing is nice. Silence is kinda ok. Sitting still isn’t so bad. I think I sorta kinda like this. Bell rings. I did not hate that. Maybe I even liked it a little.
I kept up this daily practice for quite some time. I craved it. Like I had begun to crave water. I felt like I needed it.
Shortly after my realization that I didn’t hate sitting still, in silence, with my eyes closed, I began a daily practice. I was always the first one at work, so I would shut my door, sit on the floor and set a timer for 15 minutes and “meditate”. This word intimidated me. So instead, I called what I was doing, “sitting and breathing”. I kept up this daily practice for quite some time. I craved it. Like I had begun to crave water. I felt like I needed it. Where had stillness and silence and consciously breathing been all my life?! I don’t know that I could explain specifically why I loved it so much. I just knew it made me feel better.
I have tried to keep this practice up daily. I still can’t completely give specific words to the benefits I receive from it. I just know it makes me feel better. Am I perfect at it? No. I fall off the wagon. Usually when I need it most in my life. But I get back on the wagon again. And again. And again. Do I always sit down and breathe for 15 minutes? No. Sometimes it’s only 30 seconds. Thirty seconds of my body being still. My eyes being closed. And taking a couple of deep breaths in and reminding myself all is well and everything will be okay. I have never regretted stopping to close my eyes and breathe.
If you’re like me and have a hard time with stillness and silence, I hope you are inspired to stop what you are doing, be still, close your eyes and breathe. Even if it’s just for one breath. Then tomorrow make it two. I hope you begin to love these moments so much you crave them like I do.
♡,
Kristen
